I want to saw the corporate ladder in half

8:36 pm · Posted in General

It never ceases to amaze me how easily flustered I get just by walking into Wal-Mart. I always try to go in with a positive attitude, thinking that I’m just going to get what I need in a snap and get the hell out before anyone has a chance to run me over with their high-powered wheel-chair carts or block the entry down a particular aisle spending twelve hours trying to make the life altering decision of what fabric softener to buy. Apparently my standards of simplicity are just too high, and I shouldn’t expect others to be able to live up to them.

I’m a pretty fast shopper. Sure, sometimes I’ll linger over two different brands of cheese and do a quick math problem in my head before finally tossing one in the cart, but come on. Why spend all day in the grocery store doing this? Is the time you waste figuring up the pros and cons of buying brand X really worth the few extra dollars you’ll save at the end of the day? I think not. By the time I reach the end of my grocery shopping I couldn’t care LESS about the price of anything, my only mission is to grab it and head to the check-out as quickly as possible without running down the nearest slow ass grandma poking along at break-hip speed. I consider myself a very respectful person in most cases, and I would do almost anything to help out someone - especially an elderly person. But there’s a big difference between just being elderly and being completely incompetent. If you can barely manage to steer a cart without falling and are too delirious to realize when someone is politely trying to move past you, then you should not be doing your own shopping anymore. At least have someone with you who can help you out and make it easier for everyone!

However, it’s not just the elderly that make shopping at Wal-Mart a nightmare. It’s also the people who drive themselves around in the motorized carts who really don’t need them. I think the motorized shopping carts were a WONDERFUL idea, don’t get me wrong, it does make shopping easier for those who require them. But when you see someone driving around in one, only to stop at the end of aisle, then STAND UP AND WALK down said aisle to get what they need, then no. Then it becomes a horrible idea, and anyone that takes advantage of such a service should be slapped.

Josh also decided to buy Rock Band while we were there, and that became another headache all in itself. He paid for it in the electronics department, so that when we were ready to check out at the front, he wouldn’t have to lift the huge ass box any more than necessary (again, simplicity at it’s finest my friends). They stapled the receipt to the box, and we were on our merry way. Or so we thought. Just when I thought we were home free, the alarm at the door went off, and that annoying electronic recording came on: “You have activated Wal-Mart’s security system. Please step back so an associate can assist you”. Grrrrrrr! Of course, Rock Band was to blame for it. And let me tell you, nothing brings attention to you faster then when everyone within a 12 foot radius thinks you’ve shoplifted. Standing there looking like dumbasses while people rush past giving you dirty looks really boosts the ego. Yes, not only did we intend to walk out of the store with an expensive video game in plain view, we also stole the cart full of groceries too. But only after we stopped long enough to bag them and print a fake receipt.

Moral of the story: Don’t go to corporate sell-out warehouses to fulfill your food and/or video game needs. Unless you’re wanting to get a massive headache or violent spasms of the hands and mouth. Unless it’s the only game in town, in which case you’re screwed just like me. :)

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